My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
