I'm going to rape someone's good day.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
