I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
the liver wants what the liver wants
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
