you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
