He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
