woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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