Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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