She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
