somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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