i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
