i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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