I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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