Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
