i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
