I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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