We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My hand turned me down
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize