i'm lost and i look like a hooker
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
