he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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