There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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