Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
