I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
