My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
