We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
