Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
