I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize