is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
