My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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