I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
