I wanna bring you to show and tell
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
