Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
