I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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