Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
