Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
