you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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