I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
