I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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