We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
