Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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