between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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