I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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