I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I wish there were birth control emojis
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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