It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
