well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize