$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Randomize
