Porn is love you can see.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
