i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
