she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
