About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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