Me too!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
