My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
