Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize