I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
