all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
