another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize