I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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