Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
