I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
