I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize