I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
