I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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